


The [Short] Life of Matsukawa Issei

by acechuu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Hurt, Mentioned Hanamaki Takahiro, Mentioned Iwaizumi Hajime, Mentioned Oikawa Tooru, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24055987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acechuu/pseuds/acechuu
Summary: Life hurts doesn't it? When was the last time you were happy, Issei? The last time you spoke to anyone?"... I-... I don't know."Trigger Warnings for Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts.
Kudos: 5





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings for Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thoughts

I often ask myself how I got to this point. Somehow I had strayed off the path that everyone walks on during life. The path that guides you and lets you accomplish the things that average people accomplish. You know the one where you go to school. Then graduate school. Then go and do more school. Then finally get a respectable job and build a great family life?

But I guess this is where I have to admit that I’m not the average person… I am in fact less than average. My life isn’t something that I can just walk down the path that is logical even if I wish it was.

I was so close to being just another average person and living life the way all the other average people do. 

I managed to fuck that up though.

So now I’m here. Cruising through life as if it’s simple and easy when it’s really not. Fooling people into believing that I’m happy where I am and that I have my life together when I really don’t.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get a proper job. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to even get a proper college education. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll never be able to get a partner who’s able to put up with someone as messed up as me.

I wish I was lying. I wish I was saying this from the future so we could cut to “but then I met this person” or “and then I suddenly got my life together”.

But I’m not.

In the end I’m just Matsukawa Issei. The guy who flunked out of high school (but nobody knows that). The guy who hasn’t been able to get a job for three years since then (and everybody knows that).

The guy struggling with severe depression and anxiety and just a constant mid-life crisis (because I plan to be dead by the time I’m 40)... but let’s be real… nobody knows that either. And frankly? It seems like no one really cares enough to figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> This will not be a happy story. This is a story written to make you feel things, sad things :(  
> I was thinking about a slice of life that had no happy ending, or no happy moments in it at all.  
> Something that you can read and relate to when you're feeling down and like no one understands you or what you're going through.
> 
> Chapter One is written in first person but after this they'll be in third person. There will also likely be no "real" ending and will be left open ended where the ending is implied but not stated.
> 
> With love,  
> Ace


	2. Age 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Age 21
> 
> Things have changed from high school... People have changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.

Issei stared idly at his computer screen.

His TV show flashing in front of open tabs full of stories he’d never read, jobs he’d never get, and colleges he’d never apply for.

Without pausing his show he took a glance at his phone notifications and as expected, there were none. Since graduating from high school three years ago his friendships with those mates have slowly been dwindling away to nothing.

It was their fault… and also his own fault. When you aren’t forced to interact almost daily then you suddenly realise how little people put in the effort to communicate and be friends with each other. At least that’s what happened to him.

He would casually message them and they’d casually message him but nothing of substance would be spoken of. He’d bring up the idea of meeting up that would always get rejected for some reason or another. They’re busy, they have work, that time just isn’t suitable for them.

Then as the years went by he’d stop messaging and they’d stop replying. Scatterings of texts left on read from both sides of the party. Photos posted on Instagram of them meeting up with other old friends. Just never with him.

Issei sighed to himself.

It was going to turn into one of those nights wasn’t it? The nights where he dwells on the low points of his life and succumbs to the numbness.

Giving into the fate of the day he paused his show and shut his laptop before climbing into bed.

He thought back on the unread stories left open behind his show and how they all seemed to follow the lines of the protagonist meeting someone who changes their life for the better. He thought about how that wasn’t happening to him no matter how he tried.

Going out and meeting new people only brought on new episodes of depression and people that caused hurt. 

Getting a part time job had only led him to being really tired and grumpy all the time.

Love was a topic that he didn’t seem to be able to feel anymore.

Living just made him wish he wasn’t living any longer.

If he was the protagonist then his story was surely a tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's difficult isn't it?  
> Feeling as if everything around you is changing and leaving you behind?
> 
> With love,  
> Ace


	3. Age 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Age 17
> 
> Silence is telling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.

When he was younger, Issei had big dreams and hopes for life.

He was able to create wild ideas and speak confidently to other people while maintaining grades that were impressive to those who asked.

A jack of all trades.

By the time Issei entered high school he had a solid group of friends in his volleyball team and those he could connect with in his classes. He got along with his teachers and his peers. He was clearly walking down the path set out for him with those around him. 

It was during his final two years where his life began to fall apart piece by piece.

His grades were dropping. He started to struggle to talk with friends and give presentations. He wasn’t enjoying volleyball nor a real standout. His dreams for life no longer felt attainable, just stupid and unrealistic.

High levels of depression, anxiety and stress.

That’s what the doctor had said.

His mother cried.

“Are you suicidal?”

He didn’t know what to say to her. He couldn’t simply answer with the truth, that wasn’t the right answer to give her. So he just stayed silent. Like he had throughout the whole conversation.

“You can get past this. I know you can. You’re a smart boy and you’re so talented in all subjects. You have so many skills and passions, don’t give up.”

There wasn’t anything in his mind that agreed with her. He stopped being considered talented years ago. He was average when he entered high school, definitely below average now. He may have had the skills in the past but he no longer had the passions.

A jack of all trades.

The master of none.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Growing up can feel like being hit with a brick wall of reality. Sometimes dreams don't come true, sometimes the odds are fully stacked against you.  
> What can one do in that situation?
> 
> With love,  
> Ace


End file.
